Old Age 1. Man is at the doctor Doctor: We just got your test results back, you have three months to live. Man: Can we make it two, it’s my wife’s birthday in three.

  • Patient in therapy Patient: I keep having suicidal thoughts Doctor: Ok, just remember to pay in advance
  • 3. Patient at doctor Patient: Doc! I accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of xanax. Doc: Have a few drinks and get some rest.
  • 4. Man at therapist Man: Nobody Listens to me Therapist: Next! Retirement
  • 1. Man sitting in bank. Bank clerk: Your financials are in good standing, and you just turned 68. When are you thinking about retiring? Man: About every 5 minutes.
  • 2. Man and woman in kitchen. Man: What’s for dinner tonight honey? Wife: Indigestion. Pensions 1. Fat Man at gym “My banker said my 401 is in terrible shape, I’m trying to get it down to 200” 2. Man working at post office Customer: “You’ve kept me waiting for 2 hours and I just want some stamps. What are you waiting for?” Man: “My pension.” Banks 1. Woman entering bank going up to teller Woman: “So, what are you gonna tell me?” Teller: “Say whaa?” 2. Kid at bank teller “So you just keep my money and get paid to do it? Where do I sign up?” Investments 1. Man: “I invested in a new printing business” Other man: “Why?” Man: “He said they print money” 2. Man shrugging to his friend and sitting on a giant stereo Man: “What?? My banker told me to focus on sound investments!” IRA’S 1. Two men “Have you put anything in your IRA?” “How dare you talk about my wife like that?” 2. Man sitting in front of calculator “When do I get to retire from planning my retirement?” Schools 1. Teacher holding up piece of paper with hole in it “Johnny, did you do your homework?” 2. Teacher holding up piece of paper to a dog. Teacher: “Where’s your assignment Rex?” Dog: “My human ate it.” Teachers 1. Teachers in the teachers lounge looking at their checks Teachers: “At this rate, I’m better off being a babysitter! Wait…” 2. Teacher: “Your son is always on his smartphone during class” Parent: “I knew we should got him a dummy phone” Kids 1. Kid looking at a bathtub full toasters Parent: “If you’re not gonna do your homework then you can have a bath” 2. Kid tucked in “Mom, can you read me a bedtime story?” “Why do I always have to read you stories? Can’t you read me one?” Gardening 1. Man with criminal mask on holding shovel, confused “When you asked me if I wanted to ‘get my hands dirty’ this is NOT what I had in mind!!” 2. Man in gardening store: Man: “You’re telling me this tree is 200 dollars? I can go outside and get one for free!” Hobbies 1. Man with beer “My two hobbies are drinking and whatever comes after I start drinking!” 2. Man at the office “I’ve started treating my job like a hobby… if I don’t feel like doing it I just go home!” Golf 1. Two businessmen on the golf course. “I didn’t think you liked golfing?” “I don’t! I’m just glad I’m not in the office!” 2. Two businessmen golfing Man 1: “Hey, watch your backstroke!” Man 2: “What am I, swimming??!”

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